The Thirteenth Floor (1999, R)

Directed by Josef Rusnak

Written by Josef Rusnak and Ravel Centeno-Rodreguiz

Based on the novel "Simulacron 3" by Daniel F. Galouye

Starring Craig Berko, Gretchen Mol, Vincent D'Onofrio, Dennis Haysbert, and Armin Mueller-Stahl

As Reviewed by James Brundage

All right, we know we've reached a new level when every the completely surreal seems completely predictable. When the weird is the norm, something is very, very wrong. Right now you're saying something along the lines of "Come on: since when have we been able to predict movies that make no sense whatsoever?"

The answer: ever since The Thirteenth Floor.

Either gifted or cursed (depending on your mindset) with a complex plot, The Thirteenth Floor is the first movie that the blundering idiot of a producer Roland Emmerich has turned out that has any plot at all. The lesson to be learned from this: be careful not to use to much cooking sherry, lest you get drunk while eating. Emmerich, normally playing the fool as to the lack of plot he gives us, tries instead to give us too much to be supported by the weak frame of a story that is set up.

The story, having something to do about playing God, piles onto us a lot of unnecessary romance, uninteresting intrigue, and piss-poor subplots. Although the plot is completely surreal and bizarre, it comes off as a mix and mash between Dark City and The Matrix… we are all living in a virtual reality experiment where we can never get to a certain location. In a foolish attempt to make the story more interesting to us, The Thirteenth Floor throws in a bit of eXistenZ to boot. This virtual reality we live in is a recreational game of sorts which someone is trying to repair. Then, perhaps as a personal bit to annoy intelligent viewers, it places in an idiotic romance.

The tekkies will hate this film for one simple reason, a flaw in the story. The way the characters discover their illusion is travelling to its end, where they see a grid of green lines. If the programmers of this "genius" experiment are intelligent enough to render sight, smell, taste, touch, and sound, not to mention the consciousness of all of the characters living inside the machine, then why the hell can't the stick them in an indefinite loop which will send them to the other side of the simulation? An easy wrap around? Sure, the characters would know something was wrong, but they wouldn't be able to pinpoint it.

Now that I am finished taking apart its plot I choose to take apart the acting. Wait, the acting is fine, but the roles are weak. Vincent D'onofrio confirms my suspicions that he is getting all of the creative roles left by his portrayal as both protagonist and antagonist. Seriously, who's he bribing? Gretchen Mol, who I saw once before in Rounders, gets a slightly better written role in this one, but still not a great part. The movie completely makes waste of Armin Mueller-Stahl.

Can't someone pass some legislation regarding wasting good actors in bad roles?

The one thing that I must mention at the end of this review is for people who are interested in The Thirteenth Floor but think that Ethernet is some kind of hospital anesthetic: for people who don't know technology, people who don't like science fiction, and people who don't have high standards for film, this film is fine for you. Although the characters are underwritten, they will attach onto you like leeches and thus stick with you. Although the plot and story are predictable to anyone who spends time trying to figure them out, the film can be enjoyed by those willing to shut their minds off. Just don't expect anything anywhere near as intelligent or scary as the previews imply.